


i'm in love with you. i'm sorry.

by normanwell



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Dream is trying to cope, Funerals, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining, Regret, but its not going very well, sapnap is dead, sapnap is oblivious LMAO, visiting graves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/normanwell/pseuds/normanwell
Summary: Dream was happy, until he wasn't. He never got to tell Sapnap.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57





	i'm in love with you. i'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> while you're reading listen to "i'm in love with u, sorry" by j'san !! it's the main inspiration for this :D

It was quiet. Too quiet for Dream’s liking.

The blonde sat at a smooth stone bench next to a little koi pond. Lush flowers were ranging from yellow and orange to deep reds and blues. They were his favorites. The wind blew gently, tangling his hair. The green cloak he wore was hung on a tree, and it moved with the breeze.

Green eyes looked down at the pond and the fish swimming inside. He admired the black, white, and orange patterning running across their backs and fins, watching as their tails flicked gracefully in the water.

Dream caught a look of himself in the reflection. He had stopped taking care of himself. Dream did the basics like brush his teeth and eat food whenever George or Bad reminded him. He hadn’t shaved in weeks, the gentle stubble turning into a soft beard against his skin. Dream didn’t like the itch, but it reminded him of someone.

Someone.. really special.

Dream smiled, looking at the bouquet in his hand. It was a beautiful mix of carnations, chrysanthemums, and forget-me-nots that Niki and Puffy had put together for him. He looked at the petals with soft eyes, before looking up at the stone plate before him.

Sapnap’s name was plastered on the stone, reading the years 2001 to 2021. Sapnap had only died that year, and Dream hadn’t started healing. Dream was stuck, and he didn’t know how to get out.

George had tried to help him plenty, sure. And it worked sometimes, but sometimes he would only sink further into his bed, gripping the empty sheets next to him in an attempt to fill the void that clawed its way through his heart.

Dream never got to tell him.

The blonde looked back at the time the two had snuck out at the earliest hours of the morning when they were 16. They had run off to a 24-hour convenience store and bought as many snacks and drinks as their arms could carry or until they ran out of money. They retreated to a nearby school playground, dropping all of their items onto the play structure. They climbed and jumped and yelled and laughed with reckless abandon. That night was euphoric. Dream had felt alive- he hoped Sapnap felt alive too.

Dream recalled the electricity buzzing through his veins. He was bouncing off the walls, excited. The two had exhausted all their snacks, both carrying their respective bottles of soda, sipping them as they walked down the street. Their hands brushed against each other as they walked, a gentle blush spreading across their cheeks. 

The morning was quiet, and the stars shone bright, the moonlight highlighting the soft features of Sapnap’s face. They made the stubble on his chin look irresistibly soft, and his grey eyes all the more beautiful. Dream could find himself getting lost in them easily when Sapnap rambled about something he was passionate about, or whenever he shouted at his TV screen whenever they played video games together.

He remembered when Sapnap was staying the night at his house. The raven had suddenly jolted up from bed, breathing rapid, hand over his chest. He was sweating and looked like he was about to cry. 

Dream had rolled over, looking up at Sapnap with sleep-swollen eyes. He asked what was wrong, and Sapnap said he had a nightmare, and that it was no big deal. So, Sapnap laid back down and tossed and turned for an hour. He couldn’t go back to bed. Dream had rolled over and wrapped his arm around Sapnap’s waist. The two laid there, legs tangled, chest to back. They were just  _ there _ . Nothing was weird, and everything was normal. Fingers tangled into other fingers, hands were pressed against hands. Gentle reassurances were whispered at Sapnap, and Sapnap whispered back grateful thank yous.

Sapnap fell asleep, back pressed to Dream’s chest. All Dream could hear was the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. It was.. intoxicating. The gentle hum and rhythm was all Dream could focus on. His gentle breathing. When he squeezed his hands in his sleep. It was all so much, but Dream couldn’t help but love it.

Dream smiled.

He thought of the day Sapnap came to his house after school in the pouring rain, with matted hair and a soaked sweater. He looked like a wet dog, and Dream couldn’t help but laugh at him. Sapnap gave him a pout but laughed along with Dream anyways. The blonde had thrown a towel at his raven-haired friend, sitting him in front of the fireplace in a dry hoodie that was too big for him. He ruffled his hair dry in the towel, shaking extra water out. It splashed against the fire and the exposed skin of Dream’s arms. As cold as the water had been, it set his skin ablaze. He didn’t know why.

Everyone told Dream to shoot his shot and ask Sapnap out. Everyone could tell how hard he yearned and longed to be with the raven. He wore it on his face, and how everyone but Sapnap noticed was a miracle. Dream refused time and time again. He was content with being best friends; he didn’t want to lose what they already had. Dream never asked him out.

The two still hung out all the time, even going to college together. They studied the same major, and they had met new friends along the way. They’d sneak out of their dorm room to loot a convenience store until their arms felt weak, the two running and dumping everything to the playground next to their campus. 

Dream could live like this forever. No matter how much his heart ached, and no matter how bad he wanted to hold Sapnap’s hand and bring soft knuckles to his lips and kiss them and whisper a million promises into them, he never did.

It was winter break when the accident happened.

The two were on their way home to visit their families. Dream had made it home before Sapnap. He expected to see the other’s cheap 2006 Toyota Corolla wiz down the street, but it never did. Dream drove to Sapnap’s house to see if he had taken a different route, but when he pulled up to the front of their house, his car wasn’t there.

His family greeted him with gentle hugs and hellos. They sat at the dinner table making small talk. His leg bounced under the table. The phone rang. Sapnap’s mother stood up, answering with a polite  _ “hello?” _ .

The room was silent. It was so loud. His chest tightened when he heard knees collide with the floor, and an earth-shattering scream. Sapnap’s father stood up, rushing to his wife's side as she sobbed. She choked out mangled words.

His father cleared his throat, rubbing his palm against his eye. He heaved in a breath before speaking. “Sapnap passed away.” Dream’s heart stopped. “Fatal car crash, someone ran him off the road and off a cliff. Paramedics said he died on impact.”

Dream cupped his hand over his mouth. He didn’t want to cry in front of them, but the dam behind his eyes broke loose and tears fell freely.

_ I never got to tell him. _

Dream played with the orange bracelet on his wrist. Sapnap had given it to him when they were twelve and given him the whole ‘best friends forever’ speech before making him pinky-promise on it. And he did. They were best friends.

Dream remembered the day of the funeral. Dressed in black surrounded by more black. He held an umbrella over his head, his sister holding onto his arm. The two shook from the cold, but they didn’t care. The rain poured and splashed against the concrete, droplets creating ripples in the koi pond. After most of Sapnap’s family cleared out, he stepped closer to his headstone.

He stuck a trembling hand out to touch the granite memorial. His fingers barely grazed the rock before pulling back. Dream didn’t want to accept it. He couldn’t. Dream remembered falling to his knees, sobbing before the headstone.

He never got to say anything. He wished he had sooner.

Dream held the red and blue bouquet in his hands, spinning the stems in his hands. They turned into a pretty purple that stood out among the surroundings. He inhaled, walking closer to the granite headstone.

The blonde sat next to it, soiling his jeans and button-up, but that’s not what mattered. He rested his shoulder against the tombstone, trying to find any comfort or weight from his friend’s grave. He placed the flowers in front of the stone.

Sapnap was a raging inferno. He was warm, and he was loud. Dream was his fuel. He was the logs and the sticks and the leaves and the old newspaper that would be thrown in to keep the fire burning. Sapnap’s flame had been doused with gallons of water. So what was Dream now?

“I miss you.” Dream sighed, looking at his feet, “I still think about you.” He didn’t want Sapnap to be forgotten. He was a young college student who had died at 20 because of some reckless driver. It wasn’t his time to go.

“I wish I had told you sooner, Panda,” He was met with silence.

Dream let tears slip from his face. He wanted comfort and reassurance and warm arms to hug his shoulders, to tell him everything would be okay. Dream knew he would never find solace in those arms, or look into bright silver eyes, or see that smile that was so blinding and intoxicating.

“I’m in love with you, I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> aha hey girl
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated, follow me on twt @normanwellx if u want updates abt my fics n stuff :D


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